I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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