He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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