Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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