so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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