every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize