If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
