Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Randomize
