I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
