I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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