remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
