There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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