i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
FUCK WHALES
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