You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
