Cold hands, warm shart.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
