I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
my shit smells like andre
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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