Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize