What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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