We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
