i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
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There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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