I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
