Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
