What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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