Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
