i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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