Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
