3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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