Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
