We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
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Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
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This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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