Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
