My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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