"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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