this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
