I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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