I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
