I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize