I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
