More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
