Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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