3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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