You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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