Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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