i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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