My liver just broke up with me...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
