dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
