I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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