I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Randomize
