he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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