peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
