Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
