the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
