As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
