My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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