I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
