what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
