apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
