my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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