you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
