I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
